Hell-Bent

18. December 2008 by admin.

Hey Bobby-

Remember how I said I was worried about Dean not talking to me honestly about his experience in Hell? Well… he did. And now I kinda wish he’d kept it to himself.

The shit he went through, the things that happened to him and around him, what he saw, and now.. probably most disturbing, what he did himself.. it’s just, well… I can’t get it out of my head. Every time I look at him I picture what he told me; the indescribably horrible things he went through. God, how can a person deal with that? I don’t want to sound selfish but seriously, man, how am I supposed to feel the same way about my brother, knowing he was some sort of Hell-bent Sweeney Todd? I know, it’s not about me, it’s not about my inability to put myself in his place. That’s insanely selfish. But, Bobby.. I can’t not think about it.

I can’t say that I haven’t had a few moments, a flash here and there, of actually liking the demon part of me. It’s a rush, it really is; knowing that you’re pretty much guaranteed to out-think, out-fight and out-last the bad guys. But does that make me the worse guy? I don’t know…  and I can’t help but wonder if maybe Dean is, deep down inside, missing the power?

So the thing is, how can I judge Dean? How can I look him in the eye and think I’m better than him, man? Because I am so not… Dean and I, more than ever in our lives, are so much alike. But now I’ve got all this guilt and shame about things I did (and still do, sometimes) when Bad Sammy is in the driver’s seat.  I apologize to Dean and try to explain but he still gives me the sideways look like “Yeah, sure, you’re sorry, whatever…” And now that I know what went on in Hell, it pisses me off that he thinks he can judge me.

I don’t know, Bobby. This is hard, way harder than anything else we faced. We’ve always at least had each other to lean on, and we still do, but it’s different now. We’re different. Things aren’t so black and white anymore; there is no Good or Evil. Things just are.

-S.W.

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