Hey Bobby-
Things have been… weird, to say the least. I mean, of course I’m beyond happy that Dean is back and everything but I’m really concerned about him. I understand that he’s been through Hell, literally but damn it, Bobby, he should at least be happy about being alive.
It’s like he’s taken all the nightmarish images and horror and disgust and fear that he experienced and is just setting it aside. He won’t talk to me about it. He won’t let me talk to him. Every time I try to let him know that it’s okay to tell me anything, he shuts off. He jokes his way out of every effort I make to help, he acts like it’s not a big deal, that he can handle it alone, but Bobby, he shouldn’t have to do it all by himself.
Why can he not trust me? Am I that dumb or naïve or does he think I just can’t “get” it? Because, man, I totally can. I can’t even begin to imagine what he went through but damn it, how does he think I feel? I fucking put him in Hell, Bobby. Everything that happened to Dean, every single second of pain he went through.. I was the cause of it. He made the deal to save me; it was all my fault. I can’t even begin to tell him how sorry I am for that.
Dean keeps telling me that the deal was his choice to make; he keeps telling me that, if he had it to do all over again, he would choose the exact same thing. Now, how am I supposed to live up to that? How do I live with the knowledge that my brother thinks so much of me that he would sentence himself to Hell a second time, or a third, or a fourth, if he thought he had to? How do I reconcile the absolute blind faith that my brother has in me with all the darkness that keeps welling up inside me, just begging to be released?
I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m sick of trying to sort things out with Dean and either having him act like it’s not big deal, or worse, that he has to protect me from some big bad monsters. It is a big fucking deal, Bobby… and the monster he’s trying to protect me from may end up being me.
-S.W.