Hey Bobby-
I’m really, really sorry about my last post. I just felt like I needed to get that all out of my system, you know? There’s just been so much to do and read and think about, I haven’t really been able just to talk to anyone and it sort of .. got intense.
I think I may be losing my mind. Ha ha. I know, “More than usual?” right? Seriously… I feel so isolated and so alone, and now I feel bad even writing that down because I know it’s nothing, nothing compared to what Dean must be going through. At the risk of sounding extremely girly, I miss him so much.. it makes me sick to think of how he’s suffering. God, Bobby… it’s this kind of thing that’s been running through my mind; I know we’ll get Dean out of Hell, but… will he be all right? I mean, will he be Dean? I know after I went Dark-side, Dean told me later that the thing that scared him most was… would I still be Sammy? And I know there were times when I wasn’t myself; I knew what was going on, I could feel and hear and see, but.. I didn’t have a real grip on it. It was me but I couldn’t get my head around the fact that the horrible stuff I was doing just wasn’t normal, you know? All the bitterness and the coldness of it, the things I did.. it just seemed, you know.. right.
But Dean coming back, filled up with the kind of black void where his conscience used to be… still Dean, but not caring about anything and leaning way toward nasty.. it’s a scary thought. Are we going to be okay, the two if us? Can I still joke around with him? Do I have to worry that Hell has turned him so sour that I should afraid of my own brother? That Dean might want to .. you know.. hurt me? I mean, it’s my fault he’s there in the first place. The whole selling-your-soul thing probably sounded like a really good and noble gesture for a while. I mean, it is, of course… I would have died. End of story. But to think that he’s been down in Hell all this time, with plenty of time to think about it.. is he gonna come back thinking “Hey, that stupid little bitch ain’t worth this crap!”
I just want to get this over with and bring Dean home, Bobby.
Later.
-S.W.